“I Messages” are statements of fact.  They tell the child how her/his behavior affects others.  “I Messages” are much more effective that “You Messages” when a child misbehaves.

Which sounds better ???

“I messages” give the child responsibility for changing his/her own behavior.  For example, if the adult says “I see a dirt smudge on your face.”  He is giving the child the responsibility to do something about the dirt smudge.

HOWEVER… Do not use “I Messages” to express anger to children.  Expressing anger cuases a young child to feel very upset and insecure.  Instead of expressing anger, express the emotion that cam BEFORE the anger.  For example, if Susie throws sand and it gets in your eye, you are probably angry that Susie threw sand.  But BEFORE you were angry, you were physically hurt.  Say, “It hurts me when you throw sand and it gets in my eye.”

In other words, paraphrase to clarify.  “You messages” describe the child’s feeling and encourage her/him to express her/his feelings.

Examples: “You are sad because your dog died?”

         “You are upset because you didn’t win the game?”

          “You are mad because Joey wouldn’t let you play with the doll?”

When children are allowed to express bad feelings freely they seem to disappear like magic!  Sometimes they just want someone to validate their feelings, and tell them what they are feeling is okay.  Hiding negative feelings can be self-destructive.  They do not disappear, and can lead to self-hate, headaches, ulcers, and violent behavior.  Feelings are neither good nor bad.  They exist and must be recognized.